I often think back to when I was a child. My mother would often ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. She told me that the sky was the limit and I could be ANYTHING I wanted to be as long a I worked hard for it. I am not a parent myself but I’m sure she only wanted me to be happy, self reliant, and comfortable. Three things that I still want and actively work towards.
I knew what I wanted at a very young age. I KNEW I would be a Dr. I would graduate high school early, get a full scholarship to the school of my choosing, I would be the top of my class in every class, I would be the chief resident in record time, I would save every life even when hope was lost, I would be a world renowned healer and find the cure for cancer, aids and ebola while raising a perfect family with 2.5 children, a white picket fence and a golden retriever. I would be a respected and revered member of society and my name would be memorialized on park benches, statues, wings of hospitals and in the names of libraries.
There is NOTHING wrong with dreaming big. Although cliche, one of my favorite inspirational quotes is “reach for the stars because even if you don’t succeed you will still land on the moon.” This is a beautiful sentiment and a healthy way of looking at your accomplishments in a positive light even if you do not reach the highest and loftiest of your goals.
I am a control freak – and I am ok with admitting that. I have to plan every detail of everything to the minute, I want everything to go to plan and if it doesn’t I don’t handle it very well. My dreams at 3 are still alive and well in my 26 year old psyche and I am not a Dr, I was not my class valedictorian, and I have not cured any diseases. It frustrates me to no end. I used to let it consume me. I thought I was the most worthless individual on planet – unworthy of any kind of recognition for what I had achieved. I did try to achieve my goals but because of unforeseen circumstances that were completely out of my control I was unable to complete pre-med. I have achieved a lot of great things though but it took me years after achieving them to see the beauty in my accomplishments.
I made myself miserable because I did not achieve the insanely lofty super dreams that were the standard of how I would critique my life. The truth of the matter is that I set completely unrealistic goals for myself. I am not a child prodigy, I do not have unlimited funds for school and I forgot to factor into my “goal setting” that I am human, and as a human I am flawed.
There is a fundamental difference between dreaming and setting goals that we often overlook and it is too important to ignore. I could dream of becoming a Dr. and set up a plan to achieve that but I would have to factor in cost, time, workload, plausability, measurability, etc. A dream does not have these bounds. I can dream of looking like a photoshopped model in the magazines but even if I were to starve myself, excercise like a freak, spend thousands of dollars on cosmetic surgery with the best cosmetic surgeons on the planet I would most likely still get a pimple here and there. I would still get bruises. I would still get old. And unless they developed some type of instant self photo-shopping system chances are I wouldn’t be flawless. Thinking that I was heinous and ugly because I wasn’t perfect is really stupid but that is how I viewed myself because I am not a world famous super doctor.
I do have some great things to be proud of such as putting myself through college without any financial help from outside sources. I graduated with honors from a prestigious university and I am currently half way through a Masters degree – all of these things accomplished on my own. I didn’t allow myself to see the greatness of these accomplishments and would cringe when others congratulated me. How could they not see how worthless I was for not achieving the impossibly high and unrealistic goals that my three-year-old self had set for myself?
Unhappy people tend to focus on negatives, failures, what ifs and if onlys instead of celebrating the good things, accomplishments, wins and progress. It is always a good idea to measure how far you have come and to not focus on how far you have to go.
How did a type – A control freak like me turn this around? It was NOT easy by any means. I had to start out small which was a foreign concept for someone who always wanted to leap the highest and attain the most. After one of the worst boughts of depression I have ever endured getting out of bed was a huge victory and I treated it accordingly. I knew I wanted to be happy, to be content, to feel peace within myself, to not need to rely on medication to keep me numb but I didn’t know how to do that since I had always done what others told me what success was, I had always judged myself against the lives and accomplishments of others. It was a huge mistake – but the damage wasn’t permanent and I was able to turn it all around. I now apply these principles to everything I want to achieve in my life – it helps me turn dreams into realities, and keep myself in check.
- Get in touch with your inner wants. Really think about what you are trying to achieve. This sounds obvious but it isn’t always so cut and dry. I wanted to be happy but I didn’t know what that meant – it was too broad a statement. It encompassed too much. I falsely defined happiness as I want to be thin and pretty and successful and rich and…and…and. None of those things equal happiness. I had to figure out what I REALLY wanted and it required a lot of self reflection. What I really wanted was to change my outlook on life, because I had a lot of the things that should have “made me happy” but I wasn’t. Happiness does not come with stuff – happiness comes from your perspective. I wanted to change my perspective.
- Start small! If you have suffered from depression you know that climbing out of bed, taking a shower, brushing your hair and teeth, and leaving the safety of your home is a huge accomplishment. Treat it like one! Every day I would set very small goals for myself like call one person today and have a five minute conversation. Take a shower. Make sure you eat 3 healthy meals. But I wouldn’t set 80 goals – 2 or 3 and sometimes just 1. Any time I would meet that goal I rewarded myself. I would keep track of these goals and say “look at that, you did what you wanted to do. You are getting so much better!” I kept a chart and would give myself a check mark for each small accomplishment and rewarded myself with a manicure or a chocolate bar after so many check marks. It helps potty train kids and it helps motivate me to be a well balanced individual.
- Make a solid plan. When you have had a period of time that you can consistently meet your small goals – start gradually getting more complex. I encourage you to use the SMART goal setting criteria. SMART is an acronym that stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time Bound. Something most of us can relate to is weight loss. Saying I want to be skinny is not a good goal. Saying I want to lose 80 pounds in the next year is.
Specific – I want to lose a specific amount of weight in a specific
amount of time.
Measurable – I can measure the amount of weight and amount
time with a calendar and scale.
Attainable – to say I want to lose 80 pounds in 2 weeks is very
unrealistic. Do research to get a better feel for what is truly
doable and what is just impossible. It is ok to not be super
human. Remember – we don’t want to make ourselves
miserable by pursuing the unachievable. We are setting
setting ourselves up for disappointment, defeat, and failure
if we do not have an attainable goal from the starting point.
Relavent – again, make sure you set practical and realistic goals.
I often say that A should stand for adjustable and R for research.
Do your homework about whatever it is you want to accomplish. Make sure the tasks you are setting yourself are going to help you specifically accomplish this goal.
Going in blind to anything is a bad idea. Knowledge is power,
give yourself the best possible chance to achieve your goals even
if you have to adjust your plans a few times as you learn more. It
is ok to change a plan…repeat: IT IS OK TO CHANGE a plan.
Time Bound – set a time structure with check points along the
way to make sure you stay on track. Setting mini goals such as
I want to make sure I lose 10 pounds per month for the next 8
months so ensure I lose 80 pounds. If you realize at month 4 you
are only losing 6 pounds not 10, you will have to make an
adjustment whether you need to exercise more, eat healthier, or
just plan to not lose weight as fast because it isn’t healthy. All of
these things are perfectly OKAY and they are smart too! - Stay true to yourself. Don’t make excuses and don’t make changes for the sake of others. You need to consistently be honest with yourself and make sure you are truly doing what you want to do for the right reasons. Who determines this? YOU!
- Accept that life happens. Even with the most carefully constructed plans there are things that will happen that are completely beyond our control. This is OKAY! If you want something bad enough you will pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try again. Take away a lesson from every bad thing that happens. You should be thankful – you just gained valuable knowledge. Whether you made a mistake or something happened that was unforeseen you know that shit can happen now, you know not to make the mistake again. It is ok and you have GROWN as a person because of it. Do not beat yourself up. Keep moving forward no matter what. Standing still does not help you accomplish your goals, moving forward does!
- Ask for help. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. But sometimes we need help. Swallow your pride here. Check your ego! It takes a strong person to have the courage to ask for help when in need.
- Stick with the winners. If you surround yourself with the right people then they will be more than happy to help you. If you surround yourself with others who have no motivation, no goals, no desire to get off the couch then you will be less likely to succeed. It is ok to be a little selfish and say I need to do for me and you aren’t helping me grow. Give yourself permission to walk away from negative people, places, and things. You don’t have to be mean about it. If those people care about you and are true friends they will understand. If they try to manipulate you or make you feel guilty then you don’t want these people in your life anyway.
- Keep it fun! Don’t get into a boring humdrum routine. You can work hard and still have a good time while doing it. Mix it up, take a new class, keep rewarding yourself, seek out a new teacher, do whatever you need to do it make your journey enjoyable.
- Reward yourself. I know I have said this a few times but it is because I can’t stress it enough. You don’t have to buy yourself a new outfit, or have a celebratory dinner at every turn but you do need to continuously acknowledge your successes no matter how small. Even if it is self talk and verbal self praise – over do it. Allow yourself to overindulge in the joy of your success. One of my favorite people in the world told me that as corny as it is to over do every little positive thing in your life. If you are taking a shower and it just feels so nice have a self conversation like “OMG this is the best shower I have ever had. I am so happy that I am enjoying this so much. This is such a great feeling. I love this. This feels so so so so so so so good.” I know I annoyed you just then and I know you probably rolled your eyes. Yes I know it sounds crazy but I swear on everything I love that the more you force yourself to do this the more natural it becomes and it is a huge step to learning to change your perspective. You are teaching yourself to be happy, to enjoy good things, to be hyper focused on the positive things in life no matter how small.
There are a million more things that you can do but this is a really good foundation to helping you keep your goals in check and knowing the difference between a dream and a realistic life plan. Please do not try to do it the hard way. Learn from my many mistakes, be happy, don’t ever forget to dream but when you set out to reach the stars have a plan and it really is ok if you land on the moon it is still a big deal!
I Want To Be Happy TOO! 